Why is Vlad the Baker in a Sex Scene?

So I’m reading my romance novel and things are starting to heat up… wink, wink… you know what I mean. And then two words jump up and throw me way out of my happy place.


You’ve heard of Vlad the Impaler? He was the seriously mixed up Voivode of Wallachia back in the 1400’s. Apparently, he “executed by impalement” a lot of people to impose his rule. His family name was Dracul. Yep, that’s where Dracula comes from. Wikipedia

Shudder, writhe, wretch. So much for that sexy feeling.


I love bread. I love to mix together a few simple ingredients that will turn into heaven from my oven. I even paraphrased an ode to bread. To do it right, kneading requires some upper body strength. On a warm day, I “perspire” when I knead bread. When I think of the effort of kneading applied to human flesh… I cross my arms protectively over my chest.

So NOT a turn-on!

NOT sexy!

Romance writers, please use kinder words in your sex scenes and leave Vlad, and his baker, out of it. Thank you.

© 2017 Joan Leacott

4 Comments on “Why is Vlad the Baker in a Sex Scene?

  1. You’re so funny, Joan! But you bring up a point that goes right to one reason why I am only a half-hearted fan of the romance genre. Is there some glossary of titillation that romance authors all refer to when writing sex scenes?

    My books are written in an old school style, and I’m a big fan of Dorothy Dunnett, who once wrote an entire sex scene without mentioning any body parts. I try to focus more on what the POV character is feeling than what they are doing. I also will not use standard (and frankly ridiculous) slang words that for me drain the romance right out of a scene. My romantic scenes probably seem tame to the modern reader, but to me they feel truer to the classic genre. Ultimately, I guess that’s up to the readers to decide.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi CC, I write what feels authentic to the character; some are more reticent, others… well… wink, wink. Yeah, some of those words are ridiculous. I once laughed an entire day away reading a post with tons of comments about the euphemisms for penis. Wish I could find it again. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂


  2. “I crossed my arms protectively over my chest”, made me laugh out loud:) I agree with your point and you’re a hoot!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There are a lot of words that get used in sex scenes that don’t always appeal. But one searches for fresh ways to describe the same old same old. What’s a writer to do?

    Liked by 1 person